Lies I Have Told

“Oh, I could have made law review, if I really wanted to, but come on. It’s so much extra work, and the people who made law review were so stuck-up anyway, I didn’t see the point. Besides, I think the journal I was on helped me so much more in my career.”

“I have this child that I sponsor. His name’s Pablo, lives in the Ozarks. His parents are migrant workers, they both have hepatitis E, you know, the really strong strain. They spend all day picking sugar cane, it’s a really rough life. He has this dream of having his own podcast one day, to tell people about growing up poor and Bolivian in Arkansas, and my heart just goes out to him, you know?”

“I don’t even like talking about my grandfather. The way I see it, he never talked to us about hitting the beaches at Normandy, or crossing the bridge at Remagen, or liberating those three concentration camps, or the two Silver Stars, so why should I bring it up all the time? I mean, just because they named that school after him and all.”

“Yeah, I nailed her. Seriously. Back in college, when she was just starting out her modeling career. Before she moved to California and got that part on The Hills. And it wasn’t a one-night stand or anything, we hooked up like seven or eight times before I broke up with her.”

“The summer after my junior year, I volunteered to teach literacy at the Choctaw reservation in Arizona. It was a great experience, really opened my eyes about social justice. They even gave me a tribal name in this great ceremony. It was Hekawi-na-Sedona, which in their language means ‘Hater of Adverbs.’”

“No, I do have that extra laptop in my closet, but it’s not going to do Pablo any good, since his cabin doesn’t have electricity. It would be like mocking him or something, wouldn’t it? Giving him technology he can’t use?”

“I had no idea prostitution was legal in Germany. It makes all the difference in the world, too, in terms of quality, of course, but also in the level of service. I mean, you want two petite redheads with D-cups and experience using soft restraints in this country, it’s a special order, take you a week or so to get it booked, but in Germany, hey, no questions asked.”

“Hmmm, yeah, I definitely taste the fruitiness, it’s kind of like a ’67 Bordeaux in that respect. And there’s something else, an undertone, maybe sandalwood. But there’s a creaminess and a bitterness behind it, really intense, like a really good cappuccino, you think?”

“Well, like everybody else, I watch the occasional American Idol episode. But it’s not like I watch every episode or vote every week or anything like that. I don’t get obsessed with reality TV shows; it’s not like I’m some loser who watches reruns of that MTV dating show over and over again or anything. You know, with what’s her name. Tila Mojito or whoever.”

“No, I checked, the one-laptop-per-child thing isn’t an option for Pablo. I mean, it might work, but they don’t have wireless access in the Ozarks, so it’s not really an option. But thanks for bringing it up.”

“No, it’s not true. Think about it. It’s my sister’s wedding, for God’s sake. I’m not going to risk my relationship with her by banging one of her bridesmaids in the handicapped stall, okay? Besides, it’s not like I could even get her out of that dress anyway. Give me a little credit.”

“I knew the Patriots were going to suck last year. I thought so even before training camp. I mean, look at their secondary. I said it was going to be Arizona and Pittsburgh, and nobody believed me.”

“Oh, I definitely agree. I’ve always thought that Derrida was right about the destruction of the phallocracy paving the way for the rise of nihilism.”

“Sweetie, it’s just a little short fictional piece. Really. Purely creative license. No, it’s not… I’ve never even been to Germany, really, you can check my passport.”

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