Punch List

Thank you for the opportunity to look around your home and inspect it for possible defects. I appreciate being of service in this matter, and have attached a brief checklist of items that may cause possible problems.


I spotted some loose trim near the dishwasher, which can be nailed down easily. You also need to think about vacuuming the coils on the back of the refrigerator, which can help with energy efficiency. I checked inside and noticed what appeared to be a small interdimensional portal, although it wasn’t there when I looked again later. You might want to check your warranty and see if it covers that.


I was quite impressed by the size and scope of the books you have collected. I have no idea if they are valuable or not, but they do represent a significant fire hazard and you might want to invest in a fire-suppression system for this room. The bookstand with the open copy of The Necronomicon is a nice touch, but leaving the book open like that can generate ghastly noises of eldritch horror. I can recommend some soundproofing solutions that may alleviate that somewhat.


As you probably already knew, there are quite a few nail pops in the ceiling, which is normal in a house this old. Additionally, the lighting leaves something to be desired. One easy solution is to install some battery-powered LED lamps over the portraits; they last for 10,000 hours and provide just enough ambient light to overcome some of the gloom in there. And I don’t mind telling you, it’s just creepy enough in there that it seems that the eyes in the portraits are following you. I’m sure it’s an optical illusion.


This is more of an organization thing than anything else, but you might want to clean up the clutter in there a bit—I saw a wrench, a lead pipe, rope, and a revolver in there, just lying around. The candlestick looks nice, but everything else should probably be stored more safely.

Jungle Room

You probably already know this, but the big problem here is the humidity—it’s the perfect conditions for growing mold. I know you need it moist in there for all the plants, but I would recommend removing the wallpaper and repainting with a mold-resistant paint. You also need to make sure that the lid on the terrarium is tight enough so that the python can’t escape. There is just one python in that room, right?


The chains that you have in there right now are attached to the wall with drywall screws. There’s a good chance that your captives will be able to pull those right out. You need to make sure that the chains are bolted into the studs. I can send you a YouTube video that shows you how to do it if you want.


It looks like you’ve invested a lot of money on some very expensive equipment, but I’m concerned that the wiring isn’t adequate to support all the amperage you’re drawing down. At a minimum, I would shell out for a surge protector for the corpse reanimation system.

Wine Cellar

The masonry in this room is very nicely done, but there appears to be a very narrow niche in the east wall, just big enough for a person to get trapped in there. You ought to look in to getting that bricked up.

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