The Political Spectrum

INFRARED – Although these “longer-wavelength” voters appear all but invisible in most polling data, they make up a surprisingly large part of the political spectrum. Key issues for voters in this demographic include supporting additional funding for high-tech communications links and night-vision goggles for police and military applications.

IMPERIAL RED – These highly conservative voters show unusually strong support for interventionist, internationalist foreign policy efforts. Favors an aggressive, expansionist model of projecting American power overseas, combined with advocacy for larger defense budgets and upgrades to the nuclear arsenal. Marketers target them for purchases of epaulettes, swagger sticks and patent-leather boots.

SANGRIA RED – These low-income Republican voters skew young and Hispanic, and support immigration reform, better treatment of migrant workers, and student loan relief. This demographic tends to favor cheap wine, organic fruit, and staying at home on Saturday night with friends and complaining about their finances instead of going out to clubs and drinking expensive whiskey.

BLAZE ORANGE – These independent voters support Democratic initiatives regarding infrastructure improvements and improving access to outdoor recreation areas. However, members are highly skeptical of gun control and oppose construction of new prisons. This demographic correlates strongly with hunting license renewal applications and venison sausage consumption.

TANGERINE – These independent voters tend to cluster in Florida and California and prefer their political rhetoric on the tangy side rather than the sweet side. They favor federal citrus subsidies, healthy snacking initiatives, and strengthening of US-Morocco ties.

HARVEST GOLD – These reactionary voters show intense suspicion of post-1970’s advances in home decor. Among all interest groups, these voters express the highest levels of concern with regard to higher gas prices, increased conflict with Iran, and the return of polyester leisure suits.

HEMP GREEN – These voters have been dominant in far-flung locations like Humboldt County, Colorado, Maui, and Oregon liberal arts colleges, and are a decisive demographic in Colorado and Washington. This demographic favors looser border controls and Medicaid funding for alternative and herbal medicines. Compatible with many other voters in different parts of the spectrum, including “Nacho Cheese Orange” and “Cool Ranch” demographics.

KELLY GREEN – These voters will act friendly for a while when you meet them in a bar, and will let them buy you a few drinks, but then will claim that they have a boyfriend waiting for them back at their apartment and won’t respond to your texts. And then they block you on Twitter for no good reason, except maybe that they’re just stuck-up because people have been telling them how pretty they are their entire lives, when they’re really just borderline attractive.

CAMBRIDGE BLUE – These voters went to school in England and won’t shut up about it. Typically have their diplomas, in Latin, tacked up to the wall of their office where you can’t possibly miss it. Known to wax poetic about the parliamentary system and HP sauce. Support neo-colonialist foreign policy positions and single-payer, government-operated health care.

MIDNIGHT BLUE – These voters are focused on putting in additional hours or working a second job to pay for student loans or credit-card debt. They typically get their news from late-night repeats of “Hardball with Chris Matthews” while going over balance sheets or contracts on their laptops. This group strongly supports the inclusion of over-the-counter sleeping aids in health care savings accounts, daylight savings reform, and tougher snooze-alarm regulations.

INDIGO – These environmentally and spiritually conscious liberal voters typically prefer natural dyes, folk music, and mystical exploration of the third chakra. Voters in this category are likely to come up to you at cocktail parties and ask if you can see their aura.

PLUM – These highly affluent liberal voters cluster in the mid-Atlantic region and tend to be either lobbyists seeking high-level government employment or government employees seeking high-level lobbyist positions. Sometimes found on college campuses, where they gravitate towards faculty senate positions and occasional stints as murder suspects. Upon retirement, demographically reclassified as “Prunes.”

ULTRAVIOLET – These “short-wavelength” voters tend to have high Vitamin D levels, cool sunglasses, and a higher incidence of skin cancer. Such voters support traditional environmentalist issues, but notably shy away from chlorofluorocarbon bans and other attempts to protect the ozone layer.

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