- Secretary of Organic Agriculture
- Undersecretary of Organic Dairy Production
- Assistant Undersecretary for Deciding What the New Ben & Jerry’s Flavor is Going to Be
- Secretary for Altered States
- Director, Office of Personnel Diversity
- Internal Revenue Service, Assistant Commissioner for Taxing the Living Crap out of the Koch Brothers
- Secretary for Bullying
- Chief Undersecretary for Explaining that the Secretary of Bullying is There to Prevent Bullying and Not There to Bully People, Okay
- Special Assistant to the President for Getting Someone in Washington to Make Bagels as Good as You Can Get In New York City
- Undersecretary of State for Republican Migration to Canada
- Surgeon General
- Herbalist General
- Aromatherapist General
- Herbal Aromatherapist General
- Assistant Director, Office of Personnel Diversity for Hiring Someone Other Than White Oberlin Graduates
- Youth Outreach Officer
- Assistant Youth Outreach Officer, Division of Student Loan Forgiveness
- Deputy Youth Outreach Officer, Division of Explaining that the Student Loan Forgiveness Bill is Tied Up in Committee
- Assistant Deputy Youth Outreach Officer, Sub-Department of Explaining that “Tied Up” is a Metaphor
- Deputy Assistant Director for Doing Something About All These Resumes From White Oberlin Graduates
- Director, Office of Phish, Game and Wild Life
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