The “Aluminum Ticket” promotion is sponsored by Dixie States Aluminum Fabrication, Inc. (hereinafter “Dixie States”). Dixie States is the sole owner of the “Aluminum Ticket” service mark. Any teleplays, whimsical children’s’ novels, iconic Seventies movies or soulless Hollywood remakes based on this promotion are the sole intellectual property of Dixie States.
Dixie States will print and distribute five “Aluminum Tickets,” which will be packaged with select items manufactured by Dixie States, including, but not limited to, Aluma-Style Brand Window Shades, Aluma-Sturdy Patio Furniture, and Aluma-Freedom Orthotic Joint Replacements. In the event that the five holders of the “Aluminum Tickets” (hereinafter “Lucky Winners”) do not claim their prize within one year, Dixie States will hold a second-chance drawing to select the names of additional Lucky Winners. Forms for the second-chance drawing will be printed in an upcoming issue of Aluma-Man Battles The Recylco-Bots, a comic book currently available at your local aluminum retailer or wholesaler.
The five Lucky Winners will be invited to an exclusive tour of the Dixie States aluminum foundry and manufacturing center in Ocala, Florida. All Lucky Winners are responsible for their own transportation to and from Ocala. Any Lucky Winners from the United Kingdom are invited to learn the proper way to pronounce and spell “aluminum” before arrival.
All Lucky Winners must be accompanied by one parent or guardian. This is an absolute requirement, mostly because Brian in Accounting got caught in the sack with his kid’s sixteen-year-old babysitter and is now on the state sexual offender registry. No one accompanying a Lucky Winner will have his or her parenting or guardianship skills openly mocked during the tour.
The tour will be led by Paul Burrows, Senior Vice President in charge of marketing for Dixie States. He will not be wearing a top hat, tailcoat, or carry a cane during the tour. He usually wears a navy Dixie States polo and khakis. He did, however, play Miles Gloriosus in the Ocala Community Playhouse production of A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum last year, and won’t shut up about it, so be warned.
Dixie States prides itself on being a fun and enjoyable place to work. But it is a workplace, not a wonderland of fantastic delights and enchanted candy and wonderful adventures. Lucky Winners overheard making statements such as “this is stupid,” or “this is so incredibly lame,” or “why can’t I wait in the car and play Game Boy” will be escorted from the premises and be given a brochure about alternative, non-aluminum-related recreational opportunities in the Central Florida area.
Dixie States is one of the few aluminum fabrication plants in the Southeast to have its own on-premises foundry. Aluminum ingots are placed in a large cauldron, melted in a blast furnace, and then poured into a mold. This process looks very much like a waterfall, although, technically, there isn’t any water, just molten aluminum. Any Lucky Winner who jumps into the aluminum waterfall will not have a fun-filled adventure being sucked into a tube. They will die, horribly, of massive third-degree burns.
Like many American manufacturing companies, Dixie States imports many workers from distant, far-off lands. And, as at many corporate tours, Lucky Winners may hear these workers sing didactic folk songs with serious moral implications. In our Ocala factory, these workers are generally known as “Nicaraguans”, and the songs that they sing are known as “narcocorridas.” Any Lucky Winners hearing narcocorridas should understand that the songs are not directed towards them personally, unless they should happen to be actively involved in cross-border drug smuggling. Lucky Winners are further advised that most of our Nicaraguan workers have cable, know what an Oompa-Loompa is, and don’t appreciate being called names.
The Dixie States facility does not feature high-tech chewing gum fabrication facilities, rooms full of trained squirrels, or teleportation research chambers. Any Lucky winners wanting a fizzy drink at any time will be directed to the Diet Pepsi machine in the employee lounge. Dixie States apologizes in advance to any Lucky Winner who wants diet Canada Dry ginger ale, as our soft drink distributor can’t seem to find any for sale in Central Florida, and won’t replace it with anything other than Mug Root Beer, which not everybody likes.
At the conclusion of the tour, any surviving Lucky Winners will be treated to lunch in our employee cafeteria. They will not be invited to help run the factory in the future, or be promised an ownership share as a reward for their good character. Dixie States is owned by a consortium of Singaporean investors who are just looking for an excuse to shut down the factory and ship it all overseas, and this is just the kind of thing that could get us all fired, which is exactly what’s wrong with the globalization of the American manufacturing sector, not that anyone ever asks me what I think about it.