Eat This, Not That – Interplanetary Version

The cheap and easy availability of inter-dimensional portal travel has opened up many new destinations for the leisure traveler. Although the native cuisines of these planets are always exotic and often delicious, the Earthling visitor may pack on the pounds because of a lack of awareness about the local fare.

New Wasilla

Although salmon is usually your healthiest option when eating out, unregulated petroleum drilling has left the local fish population with abnormally high fat levels. Try the grilled caribou (not yet endangered!) instead.


This planet-girdling city is a shopper’s dream but a locavore’s despair. Avoid the high-fat, high-sodium content of imported food from neighboring agricultural planets and insist on salad with greens grown from local rooftop gardens. If you want to splurge, try the famous teal ice cream, made from locally-harvested blue-green algae.


The cowboy planet is a favorite off-world destination, not only for its scenic vistas and sprawling dude ranches, but for its grass-fed steaks. Having said that, skip the “Ponderosa Platter” you’ll find on most menus – the bunkhouse fries and the buckaroo onions are loaded with fat. Try the “Little Joe,” a petite strip steak with baked potato, and burn off dessert on the trail ride.


Want to meet people on vacation? Try Malthusia, which boasts a population of eight hundred billion. Portions tend to the small size, which is helpful for a dieter, but be sure you get the minimum you need for daily nutrition. If you see Soylent Green on the menu, be sure to give it a try – it’s delicious, filling, and packed with protein.


With the end of the galactic civil war, this ice planet offers the best skiing in the quadrant. Stay away from the roast tauntaun, which is always served in gravy due to its tough and stringy texture. A bowl of savory wampa soup will help you keep warm and save calories.


With its vast fields of grass and rolling hills, it’s easy to see why Wisconsin residents colonized this verdant planet for expansion of their dairy empire. Just don’t get the cheese curds if you visit. Or the sausage. Or the sausage with cheese in it. Or the… look, talk to your travel agent and try to get your reservations changed. Please.


Betazoid waiters are famous for knowing what you want before you even order. But if you’re craving dessert, and the waiter says “chortleberry cheesecake,” tell him you’ve changed your mind. This decadent treat is not only high in fat but there’s a twenty percent chance that you’ll get a painful allergic rash. Have the coffee and a couple of the delicious local butter cookies instead.

New Humboldt

If you have a case of the munchies on this laid-back, agricultural commune, pass up the organic granola, which has a high sugar content. Try something light-but-filling, like a wheatgrass smoothie. Just make sure you emphasize the “wheat” part.


The cuisine of the Bug homeworld is underrated at best. Go easy on the larvae appetizers; a few here and there are fine but eating too many can lead to an unpleasant infestation. Give the barbecued thorax a try, instead – spicy, tasty, and low-calorie.

Planet Kinsey

Just have a good time. Nobody goes there for the food anyway.

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