Dear Applicant,
Thank you for your future decision to take the time to apply for a position with the National Institute of Precognition Research (NIPR). We expect to receive your application sometime in April of 2025, shortly after your graduation from the graduate program of either the University of Michigan or the University of Wisconsin. Unfortunately, we have decided not to accept you as a candidate for any open positions we may or may not have at that time.
This is not a reflection of your talents and abilities, particularly not at this formative time in your life. NIPR expects to recruit and attract a talented and diverse set of researchers, scientists, statisticians, and entablaturists when it opens its doors officially in 2021. We expect that the process of choosing such individuals will be highly competitive. Based on our projections, it does not appear that you will meet the high standard of individuals we plan on adding to our team.
You may be wondering how we can be so sure that you will even apply to NIPR, much less that your application will be rejected. In fact, we estimate that there is a non-zero probability (1.7% ± 0.973%) that, for various reasons, you will not complete your undergraduate education. Of course, in that instance, you would not even be considered for employment at NIPR. There is also a distinct possibility (1.4% ± 0.783%) that you will complete your undergraduate education with a degree that does not properly equip you for work at NIPR, particularly if you decide to enroll at the University of California-Santa Cruz.
However, the majority of projections (71.7% ± 0.057%) indicate that you will attain an advanced psychology degree, and attend graduate school at a Big Ten university. We intend to send recruiters to all of the schools that you are likely to attend, and it is reasonably certain that you will meet with one of our recruiters, and will subsequently apply for a job with NIPR. There is a minor possibility (2.9% ± 0.873%) that you will not encounter a recruiter due to being stranded in Cabo San Lucas over spring break due to a popular uprising over an increase in the cost of gasoline, but we anticipate you will still seek employment at NIPR in any case.
Please rest assured that the reasons for your rejection by NIPR have very little to do with your studies, or your intellect, or a future embarrassing incident involving Gwen Harper and your father’s Toyota Highlander on the night of your senior prom. Quite simply, we only have room on our team for four junior psychometricians. We have already pre-qualified three applicants for these jobs. (The Joint Guidelines on Precognitive Ethics, to be developed in 2020, prevent me from disclosing their names or backgrounds, in the event that you should seek to alter future history by incapacitating them in some way.) We intend to leave the fourth position temporarily vacant, pending the outcome of several factors, including (but not limited to) the decision of the parents of a highly-qualified applicant on whether or not to move to Colorado, which may result in a higher-than-expected likelihood of developing a dependency on marijuana; the eventual immigration status of another highly-qualified applicant; and the decision of a third highly-qualified applicant on whether to take a position as an exotic dancer to earn money to attend community college. In all three cases, the probabilities overlap to a degree that we are not, at this time, able to offer this position to any of the candidates. However, we are certain (99.9% ± 0.017%) that you will not be considered ahead of them.
We do not wish to, in any way, discourage you from going to graduate school and receiving your master’s degree in psychology. Based on your current level of attainment, we think that it is probable that you will receive several job offers after graduation, including a clinical position at an inpatient drug treatment center in New Jersey (15.7% ± 0.908%), an administrative position with the Michigan prison system (12.5% ± 0.332%) or an adjunct lecturer’s position at a Minnesota community college (8.9% ± 0.404%). All of these are fine entry-level positions and there is a strong possibility (62.8% ± 0.228%) that you will be able to pay your student loans back in a reasonable amount of time.
All of us who will, in the future, make up the team at NIPR wish you the best of success in whatever ventures you eventually decide to engage in. We hope that this rejection will not adversely affect your interest in precognitive research, although we expect (72.4% ± 1.073%) that it will to a degree. Best wishes, and if Gwen Harper offers to introduce you to any of her sorority sisters, we strongly advise you to say yes.
